Deployed Soldiers Losing Custody Of Their Kids
Having personally witnessed the enormous lengths to which some military parents will go to take care of their children and nearly been disciplined myself while in the service for going to bat for someone who went UA (unauthorized absence) to get his son from his hard-partying, alcoholic ex-wife who had custody of him (mainly because he was on a 10 month deployment with the Abraham Lincoln strike group at the time of the custody hearing), I heard this story on NPR this week and my blood boiled.
To add insult to injury, the soldier at the center of this particular story (and there have been quite a few over the last few years about this avoidable tragedy) is damn near penniless because of the legal effort she’s had to mount to try to regain custody of her oldest son.
Towne still works full time for the National Guard. But she says the legal battle over custody of her son has left her penniless.“So it’s been very, very traumatic just trying to sustain day-to-day life while still trying to get my son back,” Towne says.
This should never be the case; the military should pick up the full tab for the best legal effort reasonably possible for military parents in custody battles where their deployment in defense of this country is utilized by the contesting parent as a significant reason for their desire to take custody of the child in question.
Notice how the lawyer for the soldier’s ex-husband denies her most basic rights as a parent because she (Gasp!) joined the National Guard:
Diffin’s attorney, Robert Cohen, goes a step further, arguing that soldiers such as Towne put their rights as parents on the line when they volunteer for military duty.
“She was not drafted. This was a job choice. She went into it with open eyes,” Cohen says.
This kind of legal argument is not only dishonest in many cases (how many service members have their kids while in the service?) but its a grievous assault on their rights as parents. How is this not an argument for disenfranchisement of their rights as parents because they joined the military? How many courts are buying this nonsense and what is the impact on the family, especially the service member who has just been told they’re not fit for parenting because they serve in the military.
Let’s look at what can be done here.
- DOD needs to coordinate with all 50 governors and attorney generals and discuss, propose and implement legislative solutions immediately. Obviously custody battles are local and state issues, but if necessary federal legislation will have to be considered to protect the rights of military parents.
- DOD and Congress need to find funding to support the legal costs of parents in custody battles (only in cases where a service member’s deployment is at the heart of the reason for challenging custody) so that they don’t further harm their cause by going broke just trying to keep or regain custody.
- More funding for counseling services, marriage support activities and other family-centric aids needs to happen, even giving the occasionally generous increases over the past 7 years. There is a widely acknowledged crisis among military marriage rates, and inevitably if children involved they suffer even if the custody arrangements are cordial, which in far too many cases they are not.
- Tax credits should be passed for family law firms willing to take military parents as their clients at reduced fees.
There are certainly likely better ideas out there to help address this situation. I hope active milbloggers and others would consider this issue (if they haven’t already).
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Wonderful site. I agree that something needs to be done to protect the rights of the parent serving, though I’m unsure if it should be the job of the government to fund it. My hesitation to agreeing is that I can see some very bad apple parents, enlisting for this reason. Sounds weird, but controlling people are not unheard of as bad parents or military types.
What I do think is required is a halt toward ending parental rights of someone who serves or any new restrictions on a person serving and unable to respond. When someone is deployed and their spouse or the other parent decides that ‘their relationship’ is over and wishes to have a ‘normal relationship’ established with someone else acting in replacement role, there should be some force, (ala Soldier’s Angels or some other organization), to keep parent/child bond alive, until service is ended. (emails, letters, video, pictures, etc.), that the complaining parent may not do.
Yo NATO. Excellent solutions. Unfortunitly, this problem actually spans generations. I saw varients of it during my time in the Corps from 81-03. You might see about submitting it under the benny sug program via DOD vice DON. — Good Job.
It’s outrageous that such things are allowed to occur and I’m glad that both the news and you bring them to the attention of others. It’s probably the only way to have something done about it.
This morning I saw this article and it reminded me of this post:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/17/AR2008021702324.html?hpid=topnews
Short Maternity Leaves, Long Deployments
Schedule Sends Army Moms Back to the Field Quickly
By Ann Scott Tyson
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 18, 2008; A01
“Little man, I love you! Mommy misses you,” Spec. Amy Shaw spoke softly as she looked into the video camera in her Baghdad barracks, surrounded by photographs of tiny Connor James, the infant son she left behind in Wisconsin. “Mommy’ll be home soon.”
Connor was three months old when Shaw and her husband, Brad, a sergeant with the military police, began a 15-month deployment to Iraq, their second tour in the combat zone. Like thousands of other new military mothers, the 22-year-old Army medic faced a stark choice: Give birth and quickly leave the baby behind, or lose her job.
Many female soldiers hoping to start families face the prospect of missing most of their child’s first year. The Army grants six weeks of maternity leave before a new mother must return to her job or training, and four months until she can be sent to a war zone. The Marine Corps and Navy allow from six months to a year before a new mother must deploy.
The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have placed severe strains on the Army, including longer deployments in which soldiers serve 15 months in the war zone, followed by 12 months at home. Under that system, a woman who wishes to have a child and remain with her unit must conceive soon after returning home so she can give birth, recover and prepare for her next overseas tour.
Female soldiers interviewed over the past year say the tight schedule cuts short precious time for mother and infant to bond and breast-feed, forcing women to choose between their loyalty to their comrades — as well as their careers — and nurturing their families.
Shaw had spent less than four months with Connor when her medical company shipped out with the 4th Brigade of the 1st Infantry Division, one of the five brigades President Bush sent to Iraq last year during a troop buildup. Now an ocean apart from her firstborn child, she is doing everything she can to remain a presence in her son’s life, hoping that if nothing else he will recognize her voice when she returns….
u guys all act like its such a bad thing but as an at home father of 3 children 5 4 and 10 months i know for a cold hard fact that not all military parents even care about theyre children. the mother of my 3 beautiful children joined the military knowing that she would leave their sides and go 2 war. i know first hand that sometimes the soldiers do join just 2 get away. and also since she just decided to up and leave our family then as a single parent with no support order i am forced legallly 2 raise 3 children alone while she gets a tax free and child expense free year away from home. there should be a law protecting the children not the soldiers.
As someone who knows both Mr. Diffin and Ms. Towne, I have to tell you that this case has absolutelyy NOTHING to do with her deployment or her serving in the military. Many times people need something else to blame for all their mishaps in life. And this is one example. There have been 6 judges to see this case, and all six have agreed the same. There is something to be said for that. Do you really think this could have happened on the sole reason of her deployment? I don’t think so, there were numerous circumstances years before her deployment and after she returned. Do you want to know what I think? I think the non custodial parent should be informed of any and all deployments, by the government, BEFORE the deployment happens. Many times the other parents doesn’t even know. I am quite certain that Mr. Diffin is in just as much financial debt as she is. I am sorry that she felt the need to plaster thier child’s picture all over because that is the person this is going to hurt the most. What is going to happen when someone comes up to him and says, hey I saw your picture in the newpaper. Then what? Do you really think that is fair for the boy? I don’t think so. But has anyone thought about this? I don’t believe so. People have forgotten that judges rule for what is in the best interest for the child. No more no less. That is the main focus. If she were a cilivian going off somewhere, none of this were to happen. And again, the courts would have wanted what was in the best interest of the child. Last time I checked, the military was a choice. Just as any other job in this nation. Please remember, there is much more to this story. Much, much more.
Michele,
Your comment is appreciated. I like the idea of requiring the military to inform the non-custodial parent prior to deployment, especially since most deployments are scheduled at least a few months in advance.e
I can’t vouch for the Diffin-Towne case personally, but I can speak out for the 8 sailors and 5 Marines I’ve known who have gone through hell because of some judge who essentially punished them for being in the military and revoked their custody of their kids, often to ex-spouses who were seriously unfit parents. The interesting part is that 9 of the 13 people I talk about did not have children before they joined…. these children came after their enlistment. Those are the ones I feel the most for, because marriages are a 50/50 thing these days and what was love yesterday could be acrimony tomorrow.
Mr. Diffin is not the person I was really criticizing here if I came across as doing that. I thought his lawyer said something utterly foolish and dishonest in some contexts.
Gary,
Agreed about the children. That’s why I spend time everyday to e-mail my comrades still on active duty who are deployed or away from their spouse and gently remind them that no matter how rough they may have it, their children have it worse missing their dad or mom and their spouse deserves their love and attention as much as reasonably possible, even on the worst of days, in order to keep a marriage strong and healthy in such times of separation.
I am in a custody battle for the great neice I’ve had since she was 4 months old….the biological father (my nephew) didn’t bother contacting her until it was time to deploy, after ignoring her totally for 2 years when he hastily attempted to gain custody of her because someone told him it could help him avoid going to war.
He didn’t show up for the court date before his deployment and now we have to wait for him to be back in the states before we can do anything further. Our custody has now been made temporary because his side is claiming that he was unable to get any leave for the 2 years he was stateside, and didn’t have time to call or write, etc. He first lied to his attorney and told her he had just came back from Iraq and we were caring for her while he was there and he had never left the states. Now the claim is that he’s a hero fighting for his country and its wrong to take his child.
If he had been involved with this child at all before his deployment it would be one thing, but to now use it as an excuse to regain custody of a child who doesn’t know him from the next person and was neglected and abused to the point of almost dying until I got her?
I feel sorry for the parents this happen to if they were taking care of their children, etc. before being deployed, but not every story that comes from a soldier claiming such is true. I know this first hand. I live it every day and will until he is back in the states, because we are told we can’t proceed any further without him present at the trial or him willingly allowing the trial to take place with his lawyer present on his behalf though he’s deployed. I don’t know how these other judges are getting away with it especially when the soldiers are not at fault, because we were explicitly told he had to be a part of the trial, period.
I am a grandmother of a 3 year old boy. My ex daughter in law left to join the military when he was 17 months old. My son has raised him up until now. they have lived in my son’s father’s house since the little guy was 6 months old. The mother has seen him 3 times since she left. she has not taken much effort in having a relationship with him. My son is in the airforce guard and was just deployed to iraq so the mother flew in 3 days before and got custody and took him from ri to wa. What did my son do to deserve this other than portect our freedom and rights so anyone who thinks this is ok step back and think what your life would be if our soldiers did not do what they are doing. It don’t matter how someone feels about the war, it is happening and they have to go and are proud to put thier life on the line why should thier bonus for doing this be loosing their kids. and yes there are some bad parents out there but that should be what the courts are looking at not their political or personal opinons. if a judge cant make an unbias informed ruleing they should not be doing it. as far as the media it gets to a point that the only way to get the word out and get help is to go public that is my next step.
Everyone assumes this is about single Mom’s. I myself am in a similar situation. I am the Sole conservator of my 3 year old son. Because I was placed on Drill Sergeant Status the Ex-wife has filed to try and gain Sole conservator of my son so she can take him to Germany and end the story right there.
Her basis is the long hours that a Drill Sergeant pulls ( be at work by 0500 and released from work at 2100). Since June when she filed I have dumped 15K in legal fees and my lawyer tells me to prepare to blow 50K and 2 years to get this settled.
I was ordered on to Drill Sergeant duty and not able to get out of it. If the Ex wins the court battle she has already told me she will take my son to Germany. Which means effectively I am removed from the rest of my sons life (until he gets old enough to try and find me).
I am searching for some sort of legal help with this on the military side of the house but apparently I am up the creek without a paddle… anyone else got any ideas??
DS McDonald
I am a military member with children and I do deploy. While I do appreciate that people want to protect my rights as a parent I will say that I think my military service should be given no special consideration when it comes to the best interest of the child. The bottom line is that I average 6 -7 months away from home per year. This means I would be placing my children under the guardianship or a third party or with the mother who obviously has superior custody rights to any third party. If the courts were not allowed to consider my time away from home against me then my schedule would create a constantly interrupted custody arrangement that is obviously not in the best interest of the child. My children have the right to a long term stable home environment to facilitate their growth. The state should never ignore this just because a person is in the military. It is very sad that some states are now not considering military deployments at the expense of the best interest of the child. While it breaks my heart that I would not have primary custody of my children should my wife and I divorce. I will accept that broken heart to know that my children are in a stable environment with a natural parent that will always be available.
Daniel,
Your points are well-taken. I just do not like the long-term impact in that some are taking advantage of this to take away kids for good from parents who happen to serve. This is just not healthy for the children or for the service members. Family law is a mess, certainly not the fault of the parents or even many of the politicians and judges. Its become a huge problem that cannot be fixed any time soon, and more parents and children will suffer.
john I agree with you. I am an ex wife of a military man. We were married for 6 and half years and knew each other for 12 years. He just got shipped to iraq for the second time. my son is 6 years old and he has only seen him one of those years. Every time he had been shipped out I would make sure he could talk to his son. I would send him pictures. make moves for him. Everything I could to make it easy. We even sent him packages that his son would put together for him. before our divorce was final he already moved out of our house and moved in with his new girlfriend leaving me with all the bills. He always was threating me that he was going to take my son from me when I have been the one taking care of my son for 6 years. When he found out that he was going to get shipped out he remaried to his new girlfriend and wanted me to give up my legal rights to her like he did. I never will. He is my son. I understand that it is stressfull on the soilders but it is also stressfull for all of us here because we are just sitting around wondering if they are coming back. Having to tell the kids how much they love them. My son to this day believes his dad does not love him and is leaving because of that. I myself am always tell him that is not true. His dad never calls him to see how he is doing I am the one doing all the calling. I live in nevada and I want to be able to move back to cali. to live with my parents because I can not afford rent anymore but my ex husband will not let me. instead he wants me to give up my legal rights to my sons new step mom which I have only meet 6 times. I’m sorry but that does not seem fair to me. My son needs a stable home so he can do good in school. Everytime he gets shipped out I see the change in my son. I want to protect my son from this. Like I have told my ex I would never keep him from seeing his son but he needs to do what is best for his son and that is to be with the person who has been there the whole time. The only person the child knows they can depend on and will never leave and will be there always. My ex is very controling and I need to get out of his grasp. My ex had a chance to get out of the military. I told him I did not want him to reinlist for our sons sake but behind my back he did anyways. I don’t think its fair for them to take cusody if they did not volinteer but…in my case my ex has volinteered every time. He keeps telling me its fun. I feel it is very sad that he puts himself before his own son. I can understand if soilders did not have kids when they inlisted but once you start a family it is not the right life. alot of soilders have no idea what the spouses or the kids go through while they are gone. I understand its hard to be away from your kids but….they really need to look at it in the other persons eyes as well. Us at home have to deal with what to tell the kids every day. Have to deal with wondering if we are ever going to see our husbands or wives again. We have to deal with paying all the bills. While they are over there fighting or whatever. We are stuck at home dealing with life. alot of soilders don’t realise what being shipped out do to the kids. I have seen it and delt with it first hand. The kids are the one suffering. they don’t understand. If you have kids you should not join. that is my point of view. Family first. especally since we are in war inlisting you know you are going to be shipped out for up to 400 days why would you inlist to be shipped out somewhere and be pulled away from the kids you claim matter to you. to me if they matter that much you will find a job that doesn’t require that. just my views sorry just something I delt with first hand.
I am deployed, no idea where My children are and my wife and boyfriend did not tell me where they went, the number or address to reach them. I wish everyday I had never joined. I make no excuses. If I am not to raise my children because of your army and your nation then I hope to never return. for all your rationalization my love of my life, my children are taken from me and my child support has been and continues to be paid each payday. You don’t know pain until your children are gone, and some stranger disciplines them without regard for the father or mother deployed concerns or even that you would talk with them. I thank all of you who would take all that gave me life and those that support the taking of a parents soul, their children.
hang in there buddy my daughter is going threw the same thing just got back lost her son as well
I for one dont see how this could happen it’s not fair but god has a way of straighting things out he see’s all and knows all he will take care and guide you.I’am not a bible beater but I truly believe this.My daughter lost custody after returning just last month to a guy who hasnt provided anything for this child my kid is always been the one to take the reins work and provide him with everything.
I was a mother of two beautiful babies.I went to they army by choice i wanted to have the ability to support them alone with out medicade or family help. i had welfare all my life and i wanted out. So i joined active duty army in 2001 and pushed my meps ship off to bct until 2002. I called every family member beging to help me i will pay with my whole pay check if the kids need it.My family turned thier backs, so i had to turn to thier father. He was a major known recovered crack addict.He agreeded. Then soon after he relapsed, started smoking again. i was looking at a failure to adapt discharge.Which was devistating to my career and their future. Welfare i could not go back i had to break the chain.
I contacted my mother in california many of times she said no. For 1 year the abuse and neglect my kids suffered was almost enough to make me madd, crazy mad.I finally got out of bct and ait looking to go to my first duty station.
First thing i did got ememrgency leave to go get the babies. I picked them up and drove cross country from la to colorado. We lived out of a motel for 2 months. Then i had orders to deploy to irac i had to marry thier father to avoid beening disssmissed from duty. Then and only then my mom agreed to take them under temporary gaurdianship.
I took my olny leave days i had and drove again to california with them. I left my kids ,car, belongings access to my accounts for my kids and mom at all times.
I was paing the car and her and i could not even get a bar of soap but i was making it.Then i got an order of restraint to stay away from my mom and kids that i was abusive all the way from irac!!!!!! I was herrasing them how is what i want to know. Then a court hearing came for me to attend custody case of minor children. Icould not go to defend myself my commander was supposed to go, but he never did.
The judge took my custody and i have not spoke to or seen my children since. all it has been is a major dramma.We are family why she would do this i can not understand.
I do not know my kids shoe size or favorate colors.
One of them is diabetic type one and he i suffering this with out my love or confort.
I have had a thierd child no one has taken him or even tried ,makes you wander……..What is going on with our justice system? my last born has never met his brother or sister. Ido not use street drugs and i work hard. this is not fair, help us i want my family back. help please. I am hurtinng so much to fight my own mother like this.